Today I came to the realisation that I am not, and will never be a pretty girl. I am attending a friends wedding tomorrow and the dress is cocktail so this meant I bought my first dress on the weekend. I then delayed until today buying some shoes, they are nice shoes, they have a heel and one again they are my first pair of heels. I tried walking around the helpdesk in them today, and there was a mix of laughter and advice from the guys. Yep, guys were giving me advice on how to be a girl.
I got my eyebrows waxed tonight too, but they are too thin and look horrible and of course I don't have eyebrow liner, even if I did I wouldn't know how to use it anyway. I tried putting some makeup on and ended up looking even worse in general. I just can't be pretty, and I am sick of trying to be so I give up. I am going to wear thongs everywhere, I will probably continue to ignore my dry heels even though I hate the feel of them but I just don't know what to do. I will stop spending $60 every 2 months on a new cleanser that never works. I end up making myself feel worse because I try to hide being ugly, but I can't even do that. Right now my feet are hurting like hell because I am trying to stretch these stupid shoes as I am lucky enough to have fat, wide feet that never fit into anything.
Honestly, I feel like shit. I have quesadillas for dinner which were full of cheese and grease and I feel like I have lost all motivation. Just in one of those moods where I can have no positivity towards anything. I do feel slightly better having come to realise that I am not a pretty girl at least, and to be honest I feel better because of this as I know I can just be me and it's not worth trying to be something else. Now I am going to go lay in bed, in a dirty singlet and some hippy pants and read.
aww fru, I so know how you are feeling... ive been exactly where you are right now and its the worst feeling.
ReplyDeleteIts also a really hard funk to shake for girls like us. Girls who arent naturally "girly" and feel awkward in our own skin for some reason.
My BEST advice... is to stop worrying about being a steriotypical beauty. It will only serve to frustrate and depress you.
We cant all be victoria secret models, despite what fashion magazines try to sell us.
I wrote a bit of a blog article about some of the things I did to help myself: http://30before.tumblr.com/post/37620497588/4-lose-some-weight
Im the same as you. TERRIBLE with makeup, cant do a thing with my hair, awkward as fuck in dresses and fancy shoes, and I dont understand accessories to save my life.
I am also really bad with my body shape, I have no idea what suits me so I generally stick to baggy tracky pants and tshirts from threadless.com :P
I think something that sorta helped me "get over" that feeling was actually youtube.
I started looking up makeup gurus and all that stuff for help doing my makeup. I have terrible skin with hormonal acne and I really needed help. I found watching alot of simple tutorials on how to look "natural" helped me build confidence to try different things.
Im no expert now, but I do know how to do my foundation in a way that looks natural, and I have learned how to do simple eyeliner and highlighting for when Im going out and i want to feel a bit "fancy". Maybe thats something you could have a look at?
I recon when your not used to wearing makeup, when you see yourself with it on you feel like a freekin idiot :P Even when its done professionally, I HATE how i look with my eyes all done up and lipstick and blush... i look like a clown. But when i do it myself and i go for a natural look, i do feel good about myself.
Natural seems to work best for me anyways.
Dont worry about the shoes, because even if you stretch them out you are gona work funny in them :P I do it too so I sorta thought to myself "WHY am i torturing myself mentally and physically wearing these fucking things?!". Why did you get them in the first place? Cause you felt like thats what girls do right? Its cause you, like every other girl out there in the world, have been bombarded with the media and advertising telling you whats "sexy" and when you try to fit into that bullshit little cutout society has made and find you dont quite fit right, YOU feel like YOUR the failure. Its complete and utter trash.
Get yourself some sweet ballet flats. Something pretty that you actually feel comfortable in because trust me, there is NOTHING sexier then real confidence. You look amazing in that dress, pair it with some simple black flats and strut the shit outta that wedding girl :) And I bet you anything by the end of the night, all them girls in heels will be envying you.
You are pretty.
You are a very pretty girl and I know this because I have been able to slowly get to know you through twitter. Your funny and quirky and obviously your fiance dotes on you so you gotta be doin something right :P
Please dont let a bunch of idiots take away your fire and make you feel like you arent worthy of being a female. We are ALL different, better at some things, worse at others.
It takes time to understand who you are outside as well as inside, and its hard when you have negative pressure on you every single day to be something that your not.
You have to believe in yourself and remember that you are a kickass girl. Dont let the world tell you who you are.
<3
I emailed you already, but just another <333
DeleteOh man, I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong, but I am going to tell you that I disagree very, very much with you on this one. A couple of things (both superficial and meaningful) really changed my self-esteem and how I look at myself. I used to hate, hate, hate the way I looked. I avoided pictures, mirrors, shopping for new clothes. It just seemed such a frustrating and defeatist endeavor.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine once told me that it had very little to do with how you looked. She told me to think of the guys that I've been attracted to and to think hard. They weren't the most attractive guys because of their looks, but usually because of something else. They were confident. They knew what they had to offer and were content with that. They were funny, or they were good in bed, social, hardworking. Whatever their THING was, their confidence in that extended to their confidence in themselves and in their looks. She had a point. Then I got really mad and told her she was sneaky because how was I supposed to be more attractive by being confident when I had no confidence because I didn't think I was attractive? She told me that was up to me. And she was right. A couple of things that worked for me, and may or may not work for you:
1. Google celebrities without makeup. This sounds totally stupid, yes, but it will help remind you that even some of the people we think of as naturally "pretty" girls just aren't. And they have a TEAM of stylists. How is just one girl going to compare? She isn't and she shouldn't worry about it.
2. Fake it 'till you make it. This sounds really lame and cliche too. I found it only worked for me by (don't judge) imagining one of my favorite book characters. A girl who struggled through so much and so much embarrassment. And I kept thinking, what would she do? If she can do X, then I can do Y (i.e. go to this wedding and dance and make friends) and for some reason, it really helped.
3. When I was in college I got together with a bunch of other girls for a body image project program. We were all uncomfortable and thought it was pointless at first. But once people started talking about their insecurities you realized EVERY ONE, even the "pretty" girls goes through this. If she has ballet legs, she will be so focused on a part of her face she doesn't like that she doesn't even notice. If she has a perfectly symmetrical face, she'll be extremely self-conscious with the fact that she has large feet. And suddenly you realize, I never noticed these things about these people and they don't notice the things that I'm insecure about. It was so helpful to talk to other girls so reach out there, and not in a reaffirm me type of way, but in a commiserate with me kind of way (kind of like this post!)
Nothing is a perfect miracle fix, I get that. But you're definitely not alone and don't let you get to yourself. I PROMISE you that other people see you as pretty, but they don't really matter. If you're anything like me, you won't believe it until you see it yourself. Anyway, the point of this super long comment is just that you aren't alone, and it's a process and there are ups and downs and maybe none of us ever see ourselves as pretty, but you should never see yourself as something of less value or less worth because of it!
Thank you for the kind words =]
DeleteThe way I thought about things was completely messed up, I thought I didn't care about looks but I guess I did. I've settled on being who I am, and happy with who I am and to be happy with how I look. Going to get fit and healthy, and if anybody wants to be haters well I can beat them up (not really, but I would like the strength to do so).
Thanks once again!
You don't have to be a size 2 in high heels to be pretty, you just have to have some faith and confidence in who you are as a person. Getting fit and healthy is such a challenge, and takes time. There's going to be times where you get discouraged, days where you cheat... it's just how it goes, no one's perfect. Just keep on keeping on, and I'm sure you'll get to where you want to be.
ReplyDeleteAll the best,
Holly
You don't need makeup or heels to be pretty! I think we all have moments where we get down on ourselves but there's no need too! You are great just the way you are! When I went wedding dress shopping with my sister, I thought to myself I'll never look that pretty on my wedding day but the day of her wedding, I got just as many compliments as she did! You ARE pretty and I bet you other people think you are too!
ReplyDeleteAw as corny as it sounds, it's what's on the inside that counts... I'm sure you have tons of great features!! As Andy Warhol once said, "Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it."
ReplyDeleteNow that I'm done being cliche, just wanted to let you know that I mentioned you in my post today. Be sure to check it out :)
xx Ani
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